My life till now…
Why? Probably the biggest question ever; One that can only be truly answered with time, experience, knowledge, and Gods direction. It seems so simple, but can become complex beyond our own understanding. You ask yourself why you believe what you do, as you must first understand yourself, know who you are, and were you fit before you can truly understand those around you, and your environment in general.
Why do I believe what I do? Many say there is no God, and no proof of his existence. I say they don=t understand themselves. I may not fully understand myself, but I know enough by understanding how my life has shaped me, how I have acted towards my environment and how god has helped me in my life.
I started out the same as everyone else by being born, growing up in my tailor made environment, and experiencing life in general. I expect it to end eventually too, but then what? Is there not always something on the other side, and just because there is no window to see through doses it still not affect us in some way? Are we not connected in some way, and the affect directly dependent on how close we are?
We all have our societies that tell us who we are. Essentially brain washing and programming us, yet some how we manage to still become as individual as anything else in nature. I started out being brain washed. Doing what I knew to be a socially normal and expected thing. Not understanding why.
It was stressful to do what I was and not understand why. To not do it for myself, to not be happy, and to feel so deserted and betrayed. I sat and studied trying to find something that may fill the void. This is when shyness sets in and, a boy goes off on his own to make himself a self made man.
I eventually broke away; rather suddenly in fact. I didn’t want to do it any more, so I stopped. But then what. I had some experience in Jr. high as to another life style, much less conservative, much less chaste and much less God fearing, yet it was only a taste. Not quit what I felt I wanted, and defiantly not what I found.
High school was a time devoted to a much darker side, but I never did like the light. The night became my friend and black my color. Yet in many ways I still did what was expected of me, because some how I knew what was important. Besides, I could, so I did. It would be ironic to see the same friend that helped me into this world, indirectly help me out of it as well.
One good friend can easily lead to another, and good friends can have an impact on you that can influence you to no end. I knew God was there. Still it was the good influence of friends that brought me full circle. I was back were I started, but with a better knowledge of the society and world in which I was, and a better understanding of myself. Yet I still had far to go.
I had many experiences in this time that helped me understand and realize much. Essentially bringing me to manhood. Yet the good influences left and I found myself faltering with bad influences mounting up all around. I had to get out, but didn’t know how. Faith dwindled and hope fell, and I was left in despair. And well in remembrance of my life long companion of loneliness. I had no choice but to leave, to get out, and God knew this, and helped me just as soon as I asked him to.
A new beginning was given to me, and that=s where I am now. With new hope and faith, asking God to keep me going in the right direction.